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Chalta Hai Yaar November 17, 2009

Posted by astralwicks in 2009, Humor, india, Opinion, Random, strange but true.
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8 comments

Chew on this

Justice Dinakaran – can’t be a thief because he is a Dalit + he has Karunanidhi’s support

Koda – cannot be a thief because he is a Tribal

Rahul Bhatt – is already a criminal because he met Headley

D Raja – again could have committed a crime, even in oversight, because he is an alliance partner

Bal T – can never be prosecuted because Bombay will be brought on its knees

Raj T – cannot be prosecuted because – again Bombay will be brought to its knees

CPM Violence – cannot be stopped because that’s the only way Marxists can stay in power

Modi – better not touch this guy or else your films will lose Gujarat as territory

Deoband & Jamait-e-Ulema Hind – cannot be chided because of Muslim Votes

Maoists – cannot be stopped because they believe only in violence

Pakistan – cannot be stopped because of fear of being nuked

China – can’t be dealt firmly because of fear of being over run by the Red Army

Nepal – cannot be managed because of no particular reason

Bangladesh – cannot be managed because there is no Bangladesh policy

Bt Brinjal – cannot be stopped because it is an MNC Brinjal

SEZ – cannot be stopped because politicians need to get their daughters and sons married

Arnab Goswami – cannot be stopped – er when does he begin?

Fairness Creams – lets admit – Indian’s are Racists

Fairness Cream Endorsements by Superstars – of course they need the additional millions

 

 

 

 

 

 

Its Fresh & Official – Marathi Manoos weaker than Women! November 16, 2009

Posted by astralwicks in Bollywood, Feminism, Humor, india, marathi manoos, MNS, Politics, Random, Shiv Sena, violence.
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2 comments

# 1 on the ‘Soon 2 B Extinct Species’ – Marathi Manoos – championed by the aptly titled SS and its progeny – the MNS

Both these Sena’s have lots of time. And hate. They also possess lots of petrol, stones, hockey sticks etc. They take me back in time to the Bollywood of the glorious 80’s. But let me not digress.

This MM is frailer than your old grandmother, grandmother, orphan, handicapped who is abandoned, on the road, doesn’t have work or relatives or social support – who begs on the streets, at numerous crossings, tapping on your air-conditioned, frost-bitten rolled-up windows of your XYZ sedan.

The MM can die of hurt caused by talk of all kinds – ‘I like India’ and bingo they lose a tooth…er you lose it.

If you say ‘I love India’ then entire gene structures of the MM mutate. They vibrate at higher speeds than the 2 particles traveling in the ever – crashing Large Hadron Collider.

‘I like Mughlai’ say you? That could possibly be the last words out of your treacherous mouth.

‘I like a Nude’ and and…forget about it.

MM in fact has come as a savior to the entire women species of India. No longer are women considered the weaker of the species. MM has been categorized as the weakest of the lot. And it is reliably learnt that the SS and the MNS are proud wearers of his badge of honour. They in fact want this exalted status to be made permanent so that benefits can accrue to their scared lot.

Meanwhile Indian women groups are busy putting aside their differences and sending a delegation to Bombay to congratulate both the SS and the MNS for giving the final shove in the centuries old struggle.

They are however only worried about 1 thing – giving up the reserved seats on BEST buses to the Marathi Manoos.

MM can’t compete with the illiterate Bhaiyya coming from UP and Bihar. MM cannot get jobs also when competing with some of the literates coming out of the said backward provinces.

In additional news, which is already being confirmed as unadulterated speculation or rumor, the Big Boss evictee motor-mouth KRK has launched his next film called ‘Marathi Manhoos’ to whip up frenzy, polarize his audience and earn money right on the table. He says he has learnt the art of polarizing from the SS and MNS.

India’s Parliament House Abandoned August 11, 2009

Posted by astralwicks in india, Musings, Opinion, Parliament, Personal, Random, terrorism.
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Due to various terrorist threats from LET, JEM, HUM, HUJI etc India has finally decided to abandon the hallowed precincts of the parliament house – so far the epicenter of Indian democracy.

A Presidential ordinance has decreed that henceforth whatever little Parliamentary work gets done (after the heckling, walkouts, absenteeism and discussion on the content of sleazy reality shows) will be outsourced to a friendly nation that is not under the threat of extremism. According to preliminary reports of various consultancy firms, the situation looks grim. There are very few nations they say that can pass such an impossible filter.

Arctic and Antarctic is too cold our hot-blooded M.P’s have announced and promptly denounced such plans made by a panel that largely comprised of M.P’s from the north, used to the cold.

Meanwhile the terror groups are disappointed at the sudden turnaround and according to unconfirmed reports, recruitment in LET, JEM has fallen because of the sudden lack of interesting international targets. The de-motivated cadre is being promised newer enemies.

The Parliament House is slated to be converted into a impregnable fortress that no Indian or foreigner can see, touch, admire or destroy.

I Con June 24, 2009

Posted by astralwicks in beauty, Bollywood, india, People, Politics, Racism, Random, Writing.
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They are young. They are successful. They are articulate. They are icons.

Sonam Kapoor, the effervescent and nonchalantly retro-charmer of a girl and John Abraham epitomising bulging muscles and quiet dignity both endorse ‘fairness creams’.

Why would 2 seemingly intelligent people of this generation who spout socially conscious sentences at every journalistic intrusion do this? The obvious answer is money. That ancient temptation that has scorched us has beaten us once again.

And yet we tut tut ad nauseum at the attacks in Australia and anywhere else. When city bred youth, ironically in a profession that pays obeisance only at the altar of beauty thereby revealing its illusory transience, cannot take a stance against a skin whitening cream, what hope do we have from people who we say are mired in centuries old superstition.

Endorsing colas is almost divine.

Comeback May 22, 2009

Posted by astralwicks in india, Indian Elections, Opinion, Personal, Politics, Random, World, Writing.
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4 comments

The comeback. It’s always difficult. Far too many examples around us to not see its relevance and I should add, the difficulty, if not the impossibility.

What should I write on? I had missed the most important and self-sustaining of all – the Indian Elections. Similarly with IPl.

Work takes a toll. I try to be the dedicated blogger – scouring my life and its elements to give me enough inspiration to forget that I am tired and and put some words to all the ideas. But I fail.

Coming back to the comeback theme. Ask Congress or BJP or Manmohan or Advani or Rahul or Prabhakaran.

Who would have thought that Mr. Singh will get what he got? Who would have given Rahul G the foresight to change the tables in UP.  Was Advani or the BJP over-confident? All of them wanted the grand comeback. To register themselves on the consciousness of the nation, but…

Prabhakjaran the man whom the cats envied finally ran out of lives. He thought that violence or his kind of violence will be greater than the miliraty/state violence of Sri Lanka but paid the ultimate price. Perhaps peace making a comeback his with death.

What does the comeback entail? Prescience or luck?

We of course can read the winds of change or status quo. We of course are also blinded by our own prejudices to either be indifferent to it or reject it outright. We of course being blinded read it any which way we like.

Some thought that strength is because of aggression, violence. And paid the price. That to if you reject one you automatically open the doors to the opposite. And failed on both counts.

Aam Aadmi or the Common Man or Woman – was it this much neglected entity who made a quiet comeback? Neglected, a lower citizen, perenially a seasonal electoral favourite it was this X factor that made a comeback – surprising everyone.

They pushed the youth, they sidelined violence and hate, rewarded the meek, silent one and tried to strike a balance – a middle path. It too shall be rocky. So lets hang on.

Shoe Prank Redemption April 7, 2009

Posted by astralwicks in india, India Elections 2009, justice, Opinion, People, Politics, protest, Random, violence.
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10 comments

Jarnail Singh threw a shoe. Should he, a journalist, thought of his professional code first and foremost, repressed his anger and carried on reporting in a non-partisan manner? This is being ad nauseum on all the TV channels. Most ardently by Barkha and Arnab. Barkha, it seems, takes it as a personal affront – so zealously she guards her rarefied code. Arnab, artistically stuttering, goes with the flow of the arguments of his esteemed guests.

Jarnail Singh might not want to be a hero, but unwittingly, he has. 25 years and still counting and no justice. Enough for a reasonable man or a woman to feel angry, depressed, sad, waver, lose focus, feel helpless and uncared for, decide to take the one step that will define him perhaps for the rest of his life, stake everything on that one moment that one might later regret and yet steel oneself and do it because…he was just a man

Long live the protest of the individual soul.

Exclusive Varun Tape Forensic Report April 2, 2009

Posted by astralwicks in Bizarre, fun, hate, Humor, india, Indian Elections 2009, Personal, Politics, Polity, Random, Society, Writing.
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7 comments

Technical Committee on Lip Reading

The committee members are all watching the Varun Gandhi speech.

Peon comes with a plateful of samosas from Agrawal Sweets. Piping hot tea is also served. Some sealed and otherwise Bisleri bottles on tables.

Mr. Sharma: badhiya hai

Mr. Khan: KYA?

Sharma: arre samosa bhai

Mr. Khan: O.K

BEAT

Khan: samosa baad main bhi khaya ja sakta hai Sharmaji.

Somebody: shhh!

The screening ends

Ms. Singh: aur ek baar dekhen?

Mr. Mukherjee: what is there to see? It is to HEAR?

Ms. Singh: so do you want to hear, Mr. Mukherjee?

Mr. Khan: NAHIN. Main is tauheen ko ek baar bhi nahin dohrana chahta. Saboot sabke saamne hai.

Mr. Sharma: Kyon Mr. Fernandes kya ye tape sach hai?

Mr. Fernandes: prima facie it looks true but…we will have to investigate further before reaching any conclusion because there is a possibility, however slight, that highly capable techno-savvy tech-terrorists, hell-bent on sowing the seeds of division in this great country of ours, and mind you there are quite a few of them, might have tampered so very subtly with the actual contents of this tape, pardon me CD, that what looks true might actually be way off the mark if not completely untrue, so I request patience from the gentlemen here and not to forget the women, how could I forget them that instead of asking me whether it is true or not they should ask – ‘Is it possible’?

Mr. Khan: Is it possible?

Mr. Fernandes: of course it is possible.

Ms. Singh: so what you are saying is that the evidence presented here – in this CD is false?

Mr. Fernandes: I didn’t say that, No.

Mr. Sharma: to phir aap kya bo rahe hain?

Mr. Mukherjee: tum gol gol ghumata hai humko. English humko bhi aata hai. I studied in the Presidency College before you were even born you…confuse karta hai. Kitna paisa diya tumko Sharma ne?

Sharma: Mujherjee babu, zabaan ko lagaam dijiye…

Ms. Singh: oh please…Sharmaji rehne dijiye na.

Mr. Sharma: hamari asmita ko thes pahuncha rahe hain aur aap hain ki

Mr. Khan: aur ye jo bol rahe hain?

Mr. Sharma: kaun kya bol raha hai?

Mr. Khan: yahi…inka to naam bhi nahin liya jaata…kya laajawaab bhasha hai

Mr. Sharma: dekhiye Khaansaab saabit ho jaane dijiye phir bechare par…

Ms. Barat: saabit…andhe hain aap? Forensic ka bahana aur nahin chalega. 10 saal lag jayenge lekin kuch pata nahin chalega.

Mr. Sharma: dekhiye ye haal to pura des ka hai. Ab jawaan khoon hai ladka bhi hai…ho gayi ghalti…chodiye na

Mr. Mukherjee: hum jaata hai…tum log samosa khao, baat karo, mera meeting hai…

Mr. Khan: to kya hua? Ye masla suljhana zaroori hai

Mukherjee sits down

Ms. Barat: Mr. Fernandes. Briefly – is it tampered or genuine?

Mr. Fernandes: you see Ms. B…

Ms. Barat takes out a gun from her handbag and fires in the air. Everybody is shocked and scared.

Mr. Sharma: arre asli hai Madam…

Ms. Barat: KYA?

Mr. Sharma: bandook!

Ms. Barat: NAHIN. Footage asli hai?

Mr. Khan: aap jaisa chahen mohtarma…hamien koi aitraaz nahin hai…

Ms. Singh: is this happening?

Mr. Mukherjee: aah! she is a true revolutionary!

Ms. Barat: FFOTAAAAAAAGE!

Mr. Fernandes: Madam it is genuine, true but you see in India we cannot punish even 1 innocent man…

Fernandes slumps to the table. Everybody is shocked. Fernandes they realize is dead!

Ms. Singh: now what?

Mr. Khan: agli taarikh kabki rakhein?

Mr. Mukherjee: mujhe kya…I don’t care…

Ms. Barat: bandook nakli thi…really see

Mr. Sharma: aap bhi na…khair phir milte hain. Khansaab aapko chhod doon?

Mr. Khan: bilkul, shukriya.

Dear Pakistanis – a letter from India December 9, 2008

Posted by astralwicks in bizaree, Blogging, Hindu, india, Mass Media, Media, Muslim, nation, Opinion, pakistan, Personal, Politics, Random, State, strange, terrorism, World, Writing.
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17 comments

Dear All Pakistanis

Many wishes on Bakri Eid. On this auspicious day I would
like to get in touch with as many of my neighbour’s as possible, considering
that we don’t treat each other with a shred of respect or trust. That is an
over-statement. We do exchange liberals, pleasantries, sweets and cricket
for sure.

We also exchange a whole lot of artillery, bombs and hate.
Courtesy our history. Why to blame history? Why blame 1947 all the time. I have
stopped. How many generations have to die to forget the wounds of that horrible
partition? Nobody has any answers to that?

A little about India. Probably you know a lot
already, but here is a bit more.

We are all angry zealots here.

We have camps here where Hindu’s practice bombing Pakistnai
towns and cities.

The ambition of all rich and poor youngsters who practice in
these camps (yes wonder of wonders rich and poor together – the benefits of a
common enemy you see) here is to spread the saffron flag in all regions of the
world and popularize Hindu Gods all over this glorious earth

India
in fact is not a multi-religious country at all. The Indian STATE regularly
torments people of all other religions

Everyday numerous legions of people who profess a religion
other than Hindusim are slaughtered – the recent attack on churches in fact was
an aberration – what actually happened was – the Christians briefly gained guts
and started attacking the vandals – briefly – that’s the real story

The Indian Media is quite pathetic. It is controlled by a nexus of State/Capitalists/Hindus/Liberals – quite bizarre actually. Orwell himself approves of this combination

We are the most honest lot in the world. Period.

It is a corruption free country. Please check it out for
yourself.

Cricket is actually not that popular in the country. Nor is
Bollywood. All that is hype and projection.

There is peace everywhere in our land. No violence.
Absolutely.

The riots that happen in India are not because of social
tensions and exploitation by various power groups. It is because of deep,
extreme boredom amongst communities who then just do it…following the
empowering American mantra

Babri Masjid was actually not demolished by zealot Hindus.
It was the handiwork of non-state actors from…let me get back to you on this.

Dawood Ibrahim regularly plays cricket in front on his house
in central Mumbai. With the cops in fact.

I won’t go any further because I don’t think you will trust
me. But I am sure you will have your own sources to figure out what is true and
what is false. You will get all the ‘evidence’ needed to satiate your
inquisitive brain. Actually for you all of this is a no-brainer. Isn’t it?

Many wishes and all the best.

Love,

A deluded, chaotic, corrupt, violent, India. Hell, I said
it.

Oxford & Me November 13, 2008

Posted by astralwicks in Blogging, Entertainment, fun, india, Lists, Opinion, Personal, Random, Writing.
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This is the Top Ten Irritating phrases compiled by Oxford researchers

01. At the end of the day

02 – Fairly unique

03 – I personally

04 – At this moment in time

05 – With all due respect

06 – Absolutely

07 – It’s a nightmare

08 – Shouldn’t of

09 – 24/7

10 – It’s not rocket science

This is mine

01. You know how it is

02. It’s a pleasure meeting you

03. Mind blowing

04. This is all because of God

05. Is that so?

06. I just knew it

07. This is breaking news

08. Terrorists have no religion

09. Our generation

10. Let’s not reinvent the wheel

Blase is the Way October 30, 2008

Posted by astralwicks in Anger, india, Life, Opinion, Persona, Random, rant, terrorism, World, Writing.
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2 comments

Hey, there has been another one today. I think its time we understand what ‘one’ means. We all know we are not talking about another day of rioting, looting, arson or murder by MNS or hooligans affiliated to other organizations.

I am also not talking about the double hundreds scored by 2 Indian batsmen against Australia – on the same day, in the same test. Did it happen you would turn back and ask? I am talking about the precise orchestration that led to 11 or 12 post – diwali explosions in Assam.

Blasé, you might accuse. Inhuman you will allege. Insensitive you will assert. How simple it is to move on for you people. The young, impatient generation. You who seek fun, frolic, pleasure, instant gratification and then move on. You are careless and callous.

I am scared coming out of the house. I hate crowds. I dislike the fake sense of security that people shroud themselves in and step out. I know it might be waiting for me at any corner. Somebody’s anger is waiting for me. Somebody’s dissatisfaction, poverty, rage, injustice will meet me any uninformed instant and shred me to pieces. Even my mother, back in Jamshedpur, doesn’t warm me nowadays. Both my parents used to repeat – don’t be in a crowd, avoid the malls or festivals.

1 day she said, how does it matter? You might take all the precaution but…we both left the sentence midway, incomplete…trusting in fate or god or whatever to take care of our insecurities.

Will we get used to being scared. Where the mind is without fear, I had read. Freedom will bestow fearlessness I thought, nay, I was sure. And then the world changed around me. Punjab was too far and I was too young. Similarly Jammu and Kashmir. So was the Bog Apple. But not Mumbai. Nowadays the fear follows you…like the plot of a Hollywood potboiler. What has also come true is that the cheesy byline – you can run but cannot hide. Welcome to nowhere in particular.