Exclusive Zardari, Gilani, Kiyani, Pasha, Qureshi Meeting Excerpts

President of Pakistan Mr. Zardari, chief of ISI Lt Gen Shuja Pasha, army chief Kiyani, foreign minister Shah Mehmood Qureshi and Prime Minister Gilani have just seen Miss. Condoleeza Rice to the car.

Zardari, Gilani and Qureshi are waving at the disappearing car whereas Pasha and Kiyani are already walking back in.

Pasha: Mohtarma chali gayi par inka khauff…

Kiyani: Mulk main tangi hai par inki tafri kabhie khatm nahin hoti.

Zardari and Gilani walk back towards them.

Zardari: I had told you Gilli that she will believe me. She trusts me.

Qureshi: yes she does. You are a charmer sir I tell you.

Gilani: Janab mujhe shaq hai ki unhe shaq hai.

Zardari: shaq is not enough miyan…you need proof. Like they say the proof is in the pudding. Where is the pudding?

Dressed waiters rush towards the men and all of them taste it.

All: wah wah. Masha allah!

They have many a round and finally look satiated. They sit around lush surroundings watching more reportage from India.

Zardari: now?

Everybody waits.

Zardari: o.k. We will see.

He walks off. The others also go their separate ways.

Zardari reaches his room and his phone rings.

Zardari: hello

Gilani: Janab kahin jang chid gayi to?

Zardari: Nonsense. India will never attack us.

Gilani: kyon janab?

Zardari: blackmail. Nuclear warfare. Indians are too responsible for their own good. Unhe yakeen hai ki hamare mulk main itne bad-dimaag log hain ki koi bhi, kabhie bhi wo lal button daba dega.

Gilani: sahi sochte hain?

Zardari: isi ka fayda ham uthayenge. Ghabrao mat Gilli, Manmohan is a nice man…he won’t do it. Good pudding, what say?

He cuts the line; falls on the bed and dozes off. Benazir smiles from the wall.

A piercing ring wakes Zardari. It is the phone. That ring is reserved only for the President of the USA.

Zardari thinks for a while, a long while and then picks it up and gives the best accent possible.

Zardari: Mr. President.

Bush: Shut up

Zardari: but, Mr.

Bush: shut up or my drone is nearby. I will bomb your palace, really.

Zardari: you are harsh sir.

Bush: who did it?

Zardari: Mr. President, now really, we, I mean, how would I know?

Bush: how do I know?

Zardari: what do you mean? You know? How do you know?

Bush: should I bomb you?

Zardari: who did it Mr. President?

Bush: you know I used to think that I am the smartest guy around but you guys are the best, really. You are probably the most irresponsible country in the world and you get world bank loans.

Zardari: thank you Mr. President.

Bush: catch them.

Zardari: catch whom Mr….

Bush: SHUT UP you As…

Silence. More silence.

Bush: o.k don’t piss me off anymore. Catch those bearded bastards. LET, JEM, ABCD whatever.

Zardari: but sir, they didn’t

Bush bangs the phone down.

Zardari is left with the receiver in his hands. He looks around, sighs and looks at the Benazir portrait looking at him.

Zardari: this is the mess I am supposed to clean. Why did you die?

Zardari makes a call

Zardari: Qureshi all of them in 10 minutes.

Qureshi, Kiyani, Pasha and Gilani are in the conference room.

Pasha: ab kya hua?

Kiyani: mujhe aur bhi kaam hain.

Gilani: sabr kariye

Both of them shoot a glance at him and then start laughing.

Gilani and Qureshi exchange glances but are unable to do anything. Zardari walks into the laughter.

Zardari: oh…people are in great spirits here. So, shall we begin? Yes?

Everybody nods.

Zardari: who did it?

Silence.

Zardari: let me repeat myself…who did it?

Silence.

Zardari: urdu main fermaata hoon. Kisne kiya?

Kiyani: kya?

Zardari: Mumbai.

Silence.

Zardari: Abhi phone aaya tha America se. Unhe bhi pata hai. Kisne kiya hai?

Kiyani: janaab honge koi. Hamein kya?

Zardari: kisne kiya? Miyan Pasha aap bahut chup chap hain? Apni rai to farmaye.

Pasha: mujhe lagta hai unke apne log, ya to army ya to kaafiron ka kya bharosa. Malegaon ko dohraya gaya hai janaab.

Zardari stares at him.

Gilani: wo aisa kyon karenge?

Kiyani: hamare Pak aur bedaag daaman ko badnaam karne ke liye, aur kya?

Zardari: ho sakta hai. Bilkul ho sakta hai. Par aisa hai nahin. To phir kisne kiya hai? Lashkar?

Pasha: saazish hai janaab. Kaafiron ki saazish hai. Aur koi saboot bhi to nahin hai. Sirf yakeen aur daawon se kya hota hai.

Zardari: Mohtarma Rice ke file shaayad aapne nahin padha.

Pasha: janaab file se kya hota hai. Saboot chahiye. Pukhta saboot.

Zardari: jo pakda gaya uska kya?

Kiyani: uska kuch nahin janaab.

Gilani: saari duniya ham par shaq karti karti hai.

Pasha: duniya ko chodiye janaab.

Qureshi: it is getting difficult you see

Pasha: urdu main farmayenge?

Qureshi: janaab pressure badhta ja raha hai.

Kiyani: to?

BEAT

Pasha: Pakistan is not involved – ye line dohrate rahiye. Isse asaan kaam aur kya ho sakta hai?

Kiyani: na to aap front pe goliyon ka shikaar ho rahe hain aur na hi jubaani jung lad sakte hain. Aap is mulk ke kis kaam ke? Oxford ki taleem kab kaam aayegi janaab? Apne saaf lehje main muskuraate hue kehna hai – Pakistan is not involved bas…

BEAT

Zardari: shabaash Kiyani. Wah mere cheete!

Zardari goes to Kiyani and pinches his cheek.

Zardari: like that Abhishek Bachchan ad ‘what an idea sirji’. Wah wah. I have got it.

Everybody waits.

Gilani: janaab hamein bhi batay.

Zardari: hum…yani ke hum log yani ki Pakistani government ka Mumbai haadsa se koi lena dena nahi hai.

Qureshi: sir…er…janaab hum to pehle se yahi kehte aa rahe hain…

Zardari: farq hai. Pehle hum kehte the ki koi bhi Pakistani involved nahi hai – RIGHT?

All shake their head.

Zardari: ab hum kahenge ki Pakistani hukmuran yani ki government yani ki hum Bambai haadson ke liye zimmevar nahin hain. Kyon?

All think for a while.

Kiyani: iska matlab hai ki Pakistani Army zimmevar ho sakti hai?

Zardari: bilkul.

Pasha: ISI bhi.

Zardari: bilkul.

Gilani: par hamari army ye tohmat kyon le janaab jab wo begunaah hain?

Zardari: begunaah? Come on general. Tell them.

Gilani is surprised.

Kiyani: maaf kijiyega.

Kiyani walks to the side. It is an aside. Zardari joins him.

Kiyani: main kuch samjha nahin?

Zardari: aapko kya lagta hai ki main paagal hoon?

Kiyani: ji nahin…

Zardari: mere paas pukhta suboot hain. Saari duniya ke paas pukhta suboot hain? Aapko pata tha?

Kiyani is silent.

Kiyani: janaab mujhe sharminda kar rahe hain.

Zardari: aapko pata tha.

He joins the others, Kiyani follows

Zardari: to Qureshi…you know what to say. Aap kahenge ki ‘hamari…yani ki Government ki khabar main ye baat aati to hum Hindustan ki sarkar ko khabar karte aur ye haada na hota.’

Pasha: aap hum par tohmat laga rahe hain janaab?

Zardari: bilkul nahin. Aap par ilzaam laga kar mujhe marna hai kya…begum ki tarah.

Pasha: Janaab naaraaz hain?

Qureshi: sir…sir…Dawood ka kya karen?

Pasha: kuch nahin.

Gilani: hamein kuch to karna chahiye?

Pasha: kyon karen janaab…humne jab kuch kiya hi nahin.

Zardari: ENOUGH. Humne kuch nahin kiya. Bambai main blast hua hi nahin. Hamare mulk main koi terrorsits nahin, na hi training camps, na hi LET, na hi JEM…na hi Dawood, na hi Sayeed, na hi Muzammil…ye sab kaafiron ki saazish thi…BJP ki kahein to behtar hoga…elections ke liye…ya to keh dijiye ki aanewaali koi Bollywood film ke liye shooting practice thi.

Zardari walks off.