freebird

Lust Etc March 28, 2008

This is sheer rambling. Writing is just so sometimes. You want to write and can’t, stop, try, curse and hope for better days. But it all began interestingly.

I was asked an interesting question. How many people have I lusted after? Initially taken aback I tried to answer. It seemed like pedantry, even to me. It was a laborious, circuitous process.

When do we lust? What is lust? These questions attacked me like a bolt from the blue. One never consciously thinks about it. If one does, then one is either researching sexual matters or is obsessed. There could also be another reason. Is it because one feels guilty, as if one is committing a sin? We also lie. We think dirty, but then our repressed beings sure that they are sinning; try to brush it away by not acknowledging.

Everything about Lust, I thought, will be explained in a jiffy in my blog. I began and then stumbled. This was the 2^nd time in 20 minutes or so. This is why?

I initially started to write another blog on the Scarlette Keeling case in Goa. I had written 2 or 3 angry blogs about the gruesome murder and the shameful cover – up. This time it was with regard to the suspension of the doctor who conducted the autopsy / first examination on Scarlette. His flip flop and eventual suspension was the subject of my blog. I wrote a couple of paragraphs and then lost it. I couldn’t write beyond. I had nothing new to say, I thought. My anger was over probably. Other events caught my fancy some would say.

But what pissed me probably was the continued stupidity of the investigating personnel; the arrogance of the government as if they were doing a favour by being impartial in a probe that pits local Goans against a foreigner. Finally they have agreed to a CBI enquiry, although the CBI is not guilt-free. They too have bowed to political pressure, winked at the accused and succumbed to temptation. They are better no doubt, but are they honest. Incredible that people still have doubts as to whether Fiona struggled or not, inspite of all the marks on her body.

Fiona is going back today with her daughter’s body; a different person for sure. Fiona wants a 3^rd autopsy on her daughter after her experiences in India. RIP Scarlette.

So I started to write about this question that was asked. I wrote ‘We all lust. Agreed. When? Very difficult to answer. What do we lust? Again difficult. Top of the charts is the male and the female of the species. We know, feel and understand this phenomena.

I said there is lust beyond the obvious. An example could be, I said, a perfect straight drive from a batsmen, a perfect posture attained unknowingly by a fielder, dancer or the guy who is throwing rumali rotis in the air. If such is the case, then what do you lust after?

These examples mean that lust has a spectrum that is seen but not understood. Most readings and meanings somehow emphasize on the physical/sexual aspect.’

I wrote all this and then stopped. Went home and felt upset.

I write whenever I get some free time off work. It is always in a hurry, trying to squeeze as much in as little. Sometimes the urgency and the pressure works. You write fast, get to the point, post and get replies. All very inspiring in a mediocre kind of way. But there are days when nothing happens and you get stuck.

So after a day of mis-happenings, I wondered last night. Can I think it through rather than hurry through it? How to understand and write about it? Examine the various processes that come into play when ‘Lust’ manifests. Actually break it down into finer and ever finer detail and see the results.

Lust: to desire something ardently. Usually carnal.

But there is Lust for Life also.

We see and we lust. Therefore the eyes play an important role.

Eyes=Lust

It is important to see and be aroused. Only deals with the physical.

Hear and get Lusty? Possible some would say and I would agree.

Smell and get Lusty; taste and Lust? All ok.

So we see, hear, smell, taste and then lust. It can be for the body, for the senses, for the soul. Tangible and intangible. A yearning, seeped in devotion, prayer soul etc.

It is temporary? Comes and goes, fleeting or can it be permanent?

Is lust a process of consumption and consummation? Is a desire unfulfilled also Lust? It is.

Is it omnipresent in all of us and only rears its head when an opportunity presents itself? Like the most philistine of us has a sense of the beautiful; but surrounded by ugliness we don’t pursue it actively; but given an opportunity we shall lust after it; chase it and make it an integral part of our life. Is it possible?

I again write and am unable to. There is music in the background and talk…slow, insistent and irritating talk. And god knows what the music is. Have been listening to a lot of electro-techno-minimal off the net and the background is rock as we used to listen in college.

So many things have changed. People, places, friends, habits, temper. It’s an old me and a new me; trying to reach peace. Lust or no lust.